The First 30 Days After Discovery
Finding out your spouse had an affair, infidelity, addicted to porn, or other compulsive sexual behaviors is life altering. You lived your whole marriage believing that you were loved, chosen, and that they would never be unfaithful. Waking up to a new reality is earth shattering. Your life is forever altered, and you are now on a new course. We call this reality disorientation- realizing your reality is not what you thought it was.
Reality disorientation leads to confusion, brain fog, depression, despair, rage, and emotional dysregulation. Navigating this is crucial. Most people find themselves diagnosed with PTSD from the trauma of the Betrayal.
Things you must grasp if you want a chance at salvaging yourself and/or marriage.
1) Recognize that your symptoms are most likely PTSD. You will need professional guidance. Trying to bypass the pain with spirituality, not thinking about it, sweeping it under the rug, yelling, shopping, drinking etc. will not work. In fact, the more you ignore your triggers the great the symptoms will increase. Which will only make you feel crazier. You must turn and look at the pain and explore its impact on you.
2) You need to find a CSAT-C therapist. CSAT stands for certified sex addiction therapist. CSAT are trained in understanding the nuances of betrayal trauma. CSAT will not tell you to “get over it” or “you need to forgive him.” CSAT are trained and skilled therapist who understand the trauma your body, mind, and soul are going through. CSAT know how to navigate the marital bond during this trying time. Here is the iitap csat directory: https://iitap.com/members/public_profile.asp?id=56160474
3) You need healthy NO’s. You cannot keep moving forward and doing all the things you were doing. Unfortunately, you just got hit with some devastating, life altering, traumatic news. Its imperative that you cut back, re calibrate your priorities. Stabilizing yourself, stabilizing your partner, and the marital bond. That means start saying NO to all the people in your life, saying No to the extra, saying No a lot more. You cannot have a healthy yes without a health no.
4) Know your worth. Know that you deserve honesty, truth, transparency. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, compassion, and love. If your partner has cheated, been unfaithful, or compulsively looking at porn or other sexual addictions then most likely he is not honoring and respecting you. This is hard but you must demand he honor you. This is boundaries work, this self-esteem work, this is understanding what emotional manipulation looks likes. Through education and understanding you slowly can start to rewrite the standards of your marriage.
5) Build a support network. I do not recommend telling everyone, blasting it on Facebook etc. Instead pick 2-3 people who you can trust. These are people that love you no matter what. They will love you if you stay, if you go, and if you vacillate between staying and going. Your support network is for you and is not going to tell you what to do. If you do not have a support group there are several online affair recovery support groups. Navigating infidelity, affairs, and your spouse’s betrayal is like learning a new language, you need other people who have gone through this and that might mean building a whole new community.
Lastly, ready or not you are thrust into a new reality. It will feel like your world is crumbling down, because it is. I am here to encourage you. When your world is falling apart this is often when we discover some of our most valuable lessons. You will discover so much about yourself, your spouse, your marriage and as you grieve, grow, and rebuild there is hope on the other side.
Written by Ashley Matthews, LMHC, CSAT-C
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